Solving the Equation of My Depression, Part One

I came to this Starbucks to work, but it’s too cold. I could go outside, but then it’s too hot, and too windy. I’m sticking with the cold…for now.

It all came to a head Sunday night. I broke down, again. After an accumulation of many things, stress at work, the Lost in my Bedroom show ending, personally feeling too depressed to be able to think straight…I broke down. I knew it was coming, and it was only a matter of time before it actually happened. 

My depression is not something I’m quiet about. If you ask me I will tell you, and I’ve been vocal on how it is a source of a lot of my self-portraiture. My depression is an equation that I am still trying to figure out what X equals. X can mean the amount of self loathing thoughts, to hours of sleep, to number of skipped showers, etc. X stands for many things it’s just trying to figure out the appropriate amount of X…to be “normal”. Like for instance, if skipped showers is represented by S, then the equation would look like this. S x X = normal or S x X = depressed. I don’t know what number will equate to normal vs depressed yet. Still figuring that out. Again, it goes for many things beyond skipping showers. 

So Sunday I broke down, and took the week off of work. 

I laid in bed Sunday night determined to not let this week slip away. I wanted this coming week to be relaxing, serve a purpose, and help me realize what I truly need in order to start to feel better. I knew in a week I would not be 100% normal and depression free. I’m not going to lie to myself…

Monday, I slept all day. Like I maybe was up for a total of 5 hours. During those hours I did manage to complete a few tasks for work I promised I would do…but other than that Monday was not a day for me. Later Monday night I told myself, “ok you can nap, but not nap the day away”. 

Rule 1. Don’t nap the day away.

Tuesday felt more productive. I woke up at 7:20am, got ready and drove with my mom to her work which is about 2 miles from my house. I walked back home with our dog Birdie. It was a 55 minute walk, and it was worth it. It felt good to accomplish something so early in the morning. The time with Birdie was enjoyable as she tried to chase birds, and also looked at me with such proud eyes. Here we are, two ladies conquering the world and it’s not even 9am yet. When we got home we snuggled and fell asleep for an hour. I woke up and continued the tasks I had for the day. 

As for today, Wednesday, I finally showered…I haven’t since Sunday…I even shaved my legs, and put make-up on…and I even left the house to work at Starbucks on a few things. The day isn’t over yet, but I am proud of myself for showering. 

Rule 2. Be proud of yourself for the little things. 

I know I didn’t make a scientific discovery today or even save the world but I am saving myself one small step at a time. I fucking showered, and shaved my legs! That’s like huge for me right now! Then I put on make-up and got dressed to leave the house! HOLY SHIT! Then I actually left the house! I feel like superwoman…because I am superwoman…at least for today.